I am Lurch.
From the Church.
That Brother Lurch, that Brother Lurch a do not like that Brother Lurch.
Do you like the Mormon Church?
I do not like the Mormon Church.
Would you Read the Book of Mormon here or there?
I would not read it here or there, I would not read it anywhere. I do not like the Mormon Church, I do not like it Brother Lurch.
I will not go into your house, I will not let you teach my spouse. I won’t read your book here or there. I will not read it anywhere. I do not like the Mormon church. I do not like it, Brother Lurch.
Would you read it in a box? We could talk about it with our latest convert, Bro. Fox
I won’t discuss it in a box, I will not meet with Bro Fox . You won’t indoctrinate my spouse, so don’t invite us to your house.
You may like it, you will see. We’ll talk about [Joseph] Smith and genealogy.
I could not do genealogy, not Joe Smith, Lurch, let me be.
A train! A train! A train! A train! We could go to Utah on a train.
Not on a train, not genealogy, Lurch, let me be I won’t discuss it in a box, I will not meet with Brother Fox. You will not get me or my spouse to set one foot inside your house!
You will have to give up your champagne.
There’s nothing wrong with my champagne, I’ll need some when I get off this train!
Maybe you think Mormons are weird, were you told we have horns and a beard?
Mormons have parties with [green jello] and root beer? You shouldn’t believe everything you hear!
You know, I kind of like root beer, and parties are not all that queer. I think I’ll give up my champagne. I hear that stuff can melt your brain. But no more cigarettes or tea? I can’t do that you see? I won’t discuss it in a box, I will not meet with Brother Fox. I will not come into your house, and keep your distance from my spouse. I won’t read your book here or there. I will not read it anywhere!
You do not like the Mormon Church?
I do not like it, Brother Lurch.
You do not like it. So you say. Try it! Try it! And you may. Try it and you may, I say!
Brother Lurch, if you will let me be, I will try it, you will see.
Say! and I will invite my friends to come and hear, and teach them all to love root beer!
I’ll throw away my champagne and head to Utah on a train, I’ll do my genealogy, It’s so, so fun, you see.
So we’ll discuss it in a box. I’d like to meet with Brother Fox. You can take me to your house, and have the elders teach my spouse. I’ll read the scriptures here and there and convert my good friends everywhere!